


A Warrior

by Athena13



Series: Thoughts [1]
Category: Battlestar Galactica (1978)
Genre: Confessions, F/M, Introspection, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-29
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-27 21:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/984063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Athena13/pseuds/Athena13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all starts with a Warrior's Thoughts</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Warrior

**Author's Note:**

> Be forewarned, Athena is my favorite BSG character and her and Starbuck are one of my favorite ship on the show. My fanfiction was long ago named "Athenafic". Written around 1998.

She told me she loved me. I told her I loved her back. And I do, it's not a lie. She was there when I needed someone, someone not connected with all of my losses, someone who didn't need my comfort. Someone I could lose myself in. And I did. Lose myself, that is.

I know I'm not alone in this. There are thousands of us survivors out here doing what we can to deal with what has happened. Our world was destroyed for Lords of Kobol's sake. For me, dealing has always been avoiding. Pretending everything was all right with just a smile and a jaunty pull on a fumarello. Not sure whom I thought I was fooling. Or maybe I'm just sure of whom I wasn't.

Cassi, though, she didn't ask me for much in the beginning. Not even a commitment. That I could handle. I made my point more than once that I wasn't the type to settle down. I dated others and was honest about it. But lately, the cracks in the armor are getting so obvious I know she's seen them. 

First there was my impulsive reactions when I thought I'd found my so-called father. I was ready to stop being a warrior so I could be a family with a man I barely knew! My reunion with Aurora. Cassi was by my side for it all. Patiently providing me the support I need and, until my arrest, seeming to accept me no matter what. I didn’t know that she was waiting for me to come around to commitment.

Maybe she changed and I didn't? Maybe we both changed. I don't pretend to understand what's happened to me. I can feel it and see it. I'm just not sure of the cause. Maybe it was the unflagging support Cassi freely gave me until she didn’t. The last mission to the basestar was her last straw with me. It was then that she let herself go and really told me how she felt. Not that she loved me as that wasn’t new, but her concerns about my going on these missions and maybe not coming back. That’s when it hit me. Actually, a lot of things did.

Cassi wasn't as free-spirited and unconcerned as I had thought, or just wasn’t anymore. I knew she cared about me. We were good friends. When she told me she loved me I didn't really understand just how deeply she meant. Good friends and lovers, yeah. It was the tears that woke me up to just what I was getting into here. Her words, however, were what woke me up and showed me how I got here.

Almost a yahren ago I asked a woman to commit to me. I couldn't say the word, but Sealing was on my mind. We had all suffered a great loss and I wanted to hang onto what I had left with all my might. She told me she couldn't because I would just end of getting killed. Exactly what Cassi told me in the launch bay before I went on the mission with Apollo to the baseship. That's what made the connection for me.

Athena. Lords. She was so young when we started dating. I don't mean just in yahrens, but I mean at heart. Being with her was like being on-planet with fresh breezes and sunshine. She didn't hold anything back (except that one thing). She said what she felt, and she did things impulsively. I got steam burns once to prove it. Somehow, without trying, I became enthralled with her.

I had known her for yahrens since she is my best friend and wingmate's little sister. I’ve been a member of their family practically forever. I'd always known she had a crush on me. But it didn't mean anything, lots of girls had crushes on their big brother's friends - or so I've been told. I don't have my own blood family, so those sorts of things I have to take on faith. It wasn't like I was going to do anything about it, she was just a kid. Until she graduated from the Academy and came to the G.

I was just about bowled over when she came walking off the shuttle. Apollo noticed, he elbowed me in the ribs and gave me a glare. I gave him a smart-ass grin and ignored him. Still, she was his baby sister; it wasn't like I was going to dare make a move anyway. Turns out I didn't have to. She made the move on me.

Now, don't get me wrong, Athena has a lot of self-respect and she's a smart woman, she didn't jump me in the hallways or anything. Not that I would have minded. We never even slept together, truth be told. She just turned to me one cycle and asked me if I was interested in going on a date with her. My mind said don’t go there, but my damn mouth said yes. And that was that.

We had been dating, non-exclusively, for sectars when the Destruction happened. And my third thought, after "I'm going to kill Adama for leaving us behind" and "Lords of Kobol spare us," was of her. I know I didn't show it very well, at all actually, but I was so worried about her and grateful she was okay. Did I ask how she was handling Zac's death or the death of her mother? Did I ask how she felt sitting on the Bridge and watching everything go up in flames and leaving us behind? No. It wasn't that Athena and I didn't have deep emotional conversations like that, because we did. She was one of the few people with whom I could. But just not then. I didn't want to think about it to myself. So, instead I asked her for a commitment. I thought that would say it all for her without me having to say much of anything.

Understandably, she pushed me away. So I left. Not just the locker room, but her and our relationship. I was cold to her, but I was also hot - with anger. I used Cassi to hurt her. I ditched her one night and took Cassi to a launch tube, where I knew Athena could find us if she wanted. I flaunted Cassi in her face. I took her to "family" dinners, daring her to say anything in front of her family and our friends. The best, or the worst, thing I did was still ask her out on dates from time to time. I truly think I was trying to get over my hurt and get things back on track with her, but I was so afraid of being hurt by her again. And I hurt her instead.

After a while I got tired of playing around. Yeah, me. I got tired of dating everyone in sight and playing fast and loose with the women It really was a no-brainer now that I look back. Our world had changed too much and I wasn't searching for anything in particular. Cassi gave me everything I needed. She gave me a haven, a comforting shoulder, friendship, and great sex. I mean she used to be a professional. I don't mean that in a derogatory way, really. I'm just trying to explain how I fooled myself for so long.

Just what did I fool myself you're probably asking by now. This is the hard part, admitting it. I think I'm still more comfortable with the unstructured ramblings and rationalization that keep me from getting to the point. Because once I admit it I'm going to have to face up to a lot of damage. Fine, I'll just say it. 

I love Athena. 

Done. It’s said. What now?

First, there’s the people who are hurt in this scenario? First and foremost is Cassi. I think she's really come to care for me, to love me. She says she does, but she also says she can’t be happy with who I am. It’s still going to hurt her when I admit that I’ve been in love with someone else all along.

Oh, did that surprise you? Yeah, I know I have to break things off with her and be honest about why. It's been too long already that I've let this go on. I've used her, unintentionally, but still the fact remains.

Then there's Athena. I don't know if she still has romantic feelings for me. It's been hard enough for us to rebuild a friendship after everything I've done to her. And even if she does still love me, why would she want me back? I'm not being modest. I walked away from her just when she needed me most. I walked into the arms of another woman when I should have been proving to her that I would be around and she could rely on me. Why should she trust me? Love me?

Then there's Apollo. He never mentioned it, but I know he was angry with me when I hurt his sister. I mean, really pissed. But we had agreed never to let my relationship with Athena come between us so he held his tongue, and assigned me some really bad duties for a while. And it's not like it was a one shot hurt I imposed on Athena; it was over the course of sectars. Now, he just might punch me when I tell him I want her back.

Then there's Adama. He's the woman's father and he seems to roll with the punches and let us “children” do what we will, but I'm sure he won't be thrilled when I put myself back into the picture. Or try to.

Sheba probably won't be happy with me either. She and Cassi have long ago patched up their differences and become good friends. Plus, she has feelings for Apollo and views Athena like a sister. She's just not going pleased with me for hurting her friends.

But ya know what? It doesn't really matter. I love Athena and I'll do what I have to be with her. I'll make it up to Cassi and I'll prove myself to her father and brother and friends. Most of all, I'll prove myself to the woman I love.

END


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